I don’t wanna

imageI’m tired. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in twelve years. I have a million things to do pretty much at all times and the consensus remains the same… I don’t wanna.

I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna work, clean, do laundry, cook, take care of people or even stand up. I just want to lie down. For like a day. That would probably be enough.

Last week a friend of mine was telling me how he accidentally spent an afternoon watching movies and lazing on the couch. I was green with envy! I don’t remember the last time I had an impromptu movie marathon. Some days I don’t get to watch tv at all. And if I do, it’s usually something someone else wants to watch.

I get tired of being the one who sacrifices all the time. As much as I love my family, I don’t remember signing up for sacrificing my entire being. Although to be honest, I didn’t really read the papers I signed at the hospital. Maybe I did! #readingisfundamental

Mom’s never get a day off. And we deserve it. Trust me.

My family doesn’t realize how much work and effort goes into caring for them. If they did, I feel like they would appreciate me a hell of a lot more. Or maybe they are just assholes. Who knows anymore?

My wish is that someday, it will get easier. I’ve been told that since I became a mom by many people. And I choose to believe that, because otherwise I’d have nervous breakdowns a lot more frequently.

I hate having breakdowns, but I do. Because sometimes it’s just too much. I have so much on my plate at all times that after awhile, it’s too heavy and I can’t hold it anymore.

So I cry. Or I get angry. Or I get a case of the “I don’t wanna’s” or I fall prey to the “can’t”. I used to beat myself up about it but I don’t anymore. I’m only human and I can only sustain so much bullshit before I crack.

Usually after twenty four hours, I’m good. Until next time…

Allegedly, someday, it will get easier.

Allegedly. Someday. Those are bullshit words. But hopefully, it’s true. I’ve put all my proverbial eggs in that basket!


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