Kindergarten – Autism Style

imageAutism is something that I never knew much about before it chose to invade my family. I definitely know more than I did at the start of our journey, but there is always something new to learn.

On Wednesday, Littlest began the kindergarten program at a private school for autistic children. I was lucky enough to secure a scholarship that covers the tuition and very excited for the opportunity. At this school he will receive ABA therapy, something he hasn’t been able to have yet. He will be in a 2:1 environment, which means he will get more concentrated attention on his issues. They are even going to assist with potty training! #winning

Wednesday morning started out as any other morning. Got kids up, high tailed it to the coffee maker, fed the dog etc. I told Littlest that he was going to school and he excitedly echoed “school” back to me.

He was all smiles on the drive. Stimming and babbling and occasionally giggling. We parked and went to wait in front of the school with the other parents for the teachers to come and get our kids.

It’s a small school with probably less than thirty children. Aside from a couple of other littles like mine, the other children were older. But severely autistic.

To be completely honest, I haven’t been around many older children or adults with severe autism. Littlest is kind of my first venture into that. But I have to say, seeing these kids that were teenagers and acting like babies…it broke my heart. And it made me sad, because I don’t know what the future holds for my little guy.

I feel like a terrible person for saying this because I love my child and will always love him, regardless of what obstacles he may face. But I worry about him. And I desperately want for him to change and develop the way Oldest and Middle have. But I honestly don’t know if that will happen. And that’s what scares me. The unknown.

His attendance at this new school is the way we are going to know. I know that the changes, if any, will not occur overnight. It will take hard work and dedication from him and all of us to help him. And if it doesn’t help, then I will know the truth. And I will find a way to help him in any way that I can.

I’m new to the severe autism world and I never know what to expect. And I’m not always good at dealing with that. I try to put on a brave face and a hard exterior when it comes to motherhood and all it has thrown at me but the truth is, it’s hard. There are days where I feel triumphant and days that I feel defeated. There really isn’t an in between.

All I know is that I love my children and I will do whatever it takes to ensure their health, safety and happiness. Even if I have to drink all the coffee in the world. Seriously I have a problem. I’m addicted. Deliciously addicted.

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