Stressin’

So I’m sitting on my porch, enjoying the coolness of the early morning and drinking my coffee. The sun is just starting to come up and it’s very quiet, with the exception of a few birds and the squirrels running around. The puppy is curled up eating her bone and it’s a very peaceful setting.

So naturally, what am I doing? Stressing about all the shit I have to do today.

I suck at relaxing. I always have so much to do that if I’m not doing it, I’m thinking about it, so I’m not enjoying myself. I really need to work on that.

There is so much that goes into my life and taking care of my family. This is the last week of summer vacation and I want to do fun things with the kids, however it’s projected to rain pretty much every day so that kind of sucks. There is cleaning, laundry and cooking to do. Errands and of course, work. If I really take the time to stop and think about all of the things I do and have to do, I have a mini panic attack.

I try to be organized. I write lists and try to split everything up by the day so I’m not overwhelmed. But it’s hard to live life by a list. And I start out organized and usually end up throwing up my hands and saying fuck it after awhile.

While having a clean house and staying on top of the chores is important, so is spending time with my kids. And when they grow up, I want them to remember that their mom spent time with them, not that the toilets were sparkling.

It’s a balance all parents have to learn. Juggling family, work and responsibility. It’s not easy, that’s for sure. There are plenty of late nights folding laundry or last minute trips to the store for lunchbox supplies.

There are some moms out there that are so organized and I’m so jealous of them. They have a clean house and make time to make themselves presentable and seem to get everything done with ease. Whereas I usually throw on a baseball cap because my hair looks scary and my house definitely has that “lived in” look.

But it is what it is. I do the best I can and that’s really all any of us can do. I will rarely choose cleaning over having a tickle fest with Littlest or playing a game with Oldest and Middle. And at the end of the day, I think that’s what really matters.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a bitch.

Seriously. A mean nasty bitch. If anxiety went to your high school, she would be the stuck up girl that bullied you.

I started suffering from anxiety after I had my first child. It would occur sporadically, and it would start with trouble catching my breath. Followed by heart palpitations. I went to see a doctor, who gave me a Xanax prescription. She told me not to take it if I was alone with my baby, because it could cause me to be kind of loopy. Which was the wrong thing to say, because it basically made me anxious about taking anxiety meds. #thanksdoc

So over the last decade or so, I’ve done without. But recently I noticed I was having anxiety attacks more and more frequently. I have a high stress life, so I would rationalize that my life is the real jerk here and I would just deal with it. But about two months ago, I went a week straight with several anxiety attacks per day. And I realized I needed to get some help.

So I went to see my doctor and told her what was going on. I said I’d like to try some anxiety medication, but nothing that would make me unable to function. She introduced me to Celexa, who has become my new best friend.

I noticed a difference after taking Celexa for less than a week. My anxiety levels greatly reduced. It’s been almost two months now that I’ve been taking it and it has really helped. There have been a few occasions where the cluster fuck that is my life surpassed the limits of my medication. But as my doctor explained, it’s a great helper, but not a magic wand.

In the past, doctors have always instructed me to reduce my stress level. Which is hilarious, because don’t you think if I knew how to do that, I would have already? #duh

With three special needs kids, a job, a household and all kinds of assorted bullshit to handle, I get stressed. I don’t really have a less stressed version of life at the moment. Maybe someday.

My husband is never stressed about anything. Probably because I do everything. He’s always telling me to “relax” and not “stress” but that is easier said than done. I could relax and give zero fucks about anything, but then nothing would get done and I’d just end up stressed anyway.

Stress and anxiety are real. Regardless of what the naysayers or Tom Cruise say. Every one endures these feelings time and again and that’s normal. But if it’s effecting your every day life and your ability to function some times, there is no shame in getting outside help. Therapy, medication…these things can help.