In honor of Mother’s Day

In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I would share some things I’ve learned since I became a mom. I’ve been mommin’ for eleven years now and, while I’ve learned a lot, I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m keeping in mind that I will most likely have to pay for my kids’ therapy when they are grown up. #imaweebitcrazy

Anyway, here are 25 things I’ve learned since I became a mom:

1. Sleeping is a thing of the past. You will always be tired. And there is nothing you can do about it.
2. Being covered in a tiny persons bodily fluids is just another day at the office. #kidsaregross
3. Worried about those teenage years? Don’t be. The attitude actually kicks in around nine years old. Unless my son is just gifted.
4. You will reach a point, at least once, where you wonder if having kids was a bad choice.
5. Laundry. For days. It’s never done.
6. You will stick a pacifier in your mouth to clean it. It’s gross, but we all do it.
7. You will be excited over every achievement your kid gets. No matter how ridiculous. Oh! You didn’t pinch anyone at school today? Ice cream for everyone!
8. There is no torture like a teething baby. And to think…all that pain and in a few years they start losing them!
9. Speaking of, you’ll forget to play tooth fairy every now and again. Just play it cool. The tooth fairy is a busy lady.
10. Sometimes your only meals of the day will be eating whatever is left on your kids plate.
11. Sometimes you will go days without showering. It’s gross, but it happens. When you do finally get that shower though…#amazeballs
12. Christmas morning is all fun and games until you realize all of the toys need to be opened and assembled and also need batteries no one ever has on hand.
13. You will memorize the theme song to all of their favorite shows. They will get stuck in your head and it will be awful.
14. You’ll also learn the names of all the super heroes/Disney princesses or whatever else your little one is into.
15. You’ll call your kids by the wrong name, pretty much all the time. They even get called the dogs name sometimes.
16. Your child will always fall asleep in the car when your less than five minutes from home. Once you get home, they will wake up like they had a full nights sleep. #whatstheirsecret
17. Goldfish crackers are always the answer.
18. Running errands with your kids will feel like you ran a marathon. You will need a nap, coffee or a cocktail as soon as it’s over. Maybe all three.
19. If your child can’t sleep, neither can you.
20. Halloween, birthdays and Christmas are year long conversations. Doesn’t matter how near or far they are. It’s May and my kids have already decided what they want to be for Halloween. They will change their mind at least forty seven more times though.
21. You will learn to administer medicine like a boss. Or you’ll learn killer wrestling moves to pin your child down while you force feed it to them. #itsjustadviljeez
22. Your kids will ask you inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times in the most inappropriate places. Guaranteed.
23. Your kids will think your ancient, even if you aren’t. Middle was surprised to learn that alarm clocks existed when I was a kid. #oldpeopleproblems
24. Your child will bring home homework that makes you feel stupid.
25. As much as these little people can jump rope with your last nerve, you will love them unconditionally and be proud of everything they do. Being a mom is the hardest, yet most rewarding job I’ve ever had. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Although I wouldn’t mind getting more sleep.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there! I hope you have a wonderful day and that you are spoiled. Spoiled as in taken care of, not spoiled as in ruined. Just wanted to clarify that!

No girls allowed

I always imagined that someday, I would have a daughter. Each pregnancy I was convinced I was having a girl, until the ultrasound tech found a penis and crushed my dreams. #penisproblems

I love my boys and I love being a boy mom. I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy so I definitely speak their language. Lego’s? Star Wars? Superheroes? Baseball? Sign me up. I could do without the fart jokes and the pee all over the bathroom, but I guess it comes with the territory.

I don’t even really think about the fact that I don’t have a daughter. Much. Every once in awhile I will see a mother and her little girl out and about and feel a little pang of jealousy. I won’t ever have that mother daughter bond. I won’t have a daughter to impart my wisdom (or lack there of) or to get my nails done with. While I’m not a “girly girl”, I kind of wish I had the opportunity to explore that with a daughter.

I get asked all the time if I’m going to have another baby and try for a girl. First of all, with my track record I could probably have ten more babies and they would ALL be boys. Second, I had tubal ligation after I had my littlest little. So as my husband likes to say, “that situation has been tied up”. Third, I can’t afford another baby. I can barely afford the three I have. So yeah, no more babies for me.

In all honesty, I don’t want anymore babies. I’m stretched pretty thin with the three I already have. I couldn’t imagine having another. But occasionally I see an adorable pink and frilly outfit or a cute little girl that’s sassy (cause you KNOW if I had a daughter she would be sassy as hell) and I feel sad.

I’ve always been pretty close with my mom and it’s something I didn’t really start to appreciate until recently. My mom is an amazing woman and has always been there for me and my family. I don’t know what I would do without her. I have memories of botched hair dye escapades, pedicures, shopping trips, the time we tried the edible wax from the informercials that was really horrible, both taste wise and hair removal wise…I cherish those mother/daughter moments.

My only hope is that someday my kids have daughters so that I can have a granddaughter. And I mean way far away. Like at twenty years from now. Or more. More would be ok. I wouldn’t frown at more.

Until then, I’ll just be over here, surrounded by too much testosterone and farts. #boysaregross